I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
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