I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
