I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
