Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
