hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
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There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
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Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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