im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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