o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Randomize
