This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
