he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
