Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
