I think I won the penis lottery.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Randomize
