found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
