I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
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After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
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We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
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