i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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