I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
