I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
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