You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
