So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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