I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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