i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
As shirtless as possible
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
