i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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