listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
