I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
