I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
