His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
