Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
