I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
