He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
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