toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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