My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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