A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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