So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Randomize
