Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
