Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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