dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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