I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
