you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
