cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
