my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
