Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
After last night, I could never be a politician.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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