i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
