if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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