Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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