he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
