this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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