found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
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