Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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