a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Randomize
