We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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