i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Randomize
