3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
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