i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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