Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Barsexuality is the new black.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Couch. On fire.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
