It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
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