I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
